tonight lets celebrate not being married
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
so much tequila, so little girl.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
