she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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