omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
