She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
