Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
