I think scott just propositioned me for sex
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I miss vodka workout Fridays
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
