I feel like abortions should bother me more
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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