I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
