He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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