I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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