Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
