dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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