he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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