I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
