the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
