I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
