Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
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I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
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Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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