What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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