Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I can't put those talents on a resume
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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