look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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