My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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