yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
