Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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