I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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