normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
