why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
