We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
