as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
