Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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