I accidentally had phone sex last night
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
And the cops told us we were all naked.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
