Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
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I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
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I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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