from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
