I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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