JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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