When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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