Have you finally orgasmed yet?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
