I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
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you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
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Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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