You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
