I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
