You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
