Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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