I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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