Barsexuality is the new black.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
