my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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