I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
