Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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