hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
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i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
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Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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