Four minutes until I can fart!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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