4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize
