I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
