You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
