Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
