I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
did i just pee glitter
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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