i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
