My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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