She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
